Adam, the Pencil-necked Boy

(This is a PARODY! Apparently, Adam Schiff is a big fan of parodies, so he should be cool with this one!)

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Adam who dreamed of being famous. As a child, he loved fairy tales and often made up stories of his own. His favorite literary character was always Pinocchio. To this day, Adam still strives to be like his hero!

Born in Massachusetts, he later moved to California hoping to become a movie star. Blessed with a beautiful slim neck, shaped like a number two pencil, and huge bulging eyeballs, Adam knew he would soon be the nation’s next great heartthrob!

While waiting for his big break, he became an attorney and gained notoriety for prosecuting an FBI agent for spying for the Soviet Union. Even though it took him three trials to get a conviction on a poor helpless slob who had an affair with a Russian (maybe) agent, it soon became his favorite legal strategy – When in doubt, accuse them of being a Russian Spy! https://apnews.com/59774f086411dbd2a5adcd1eaa91ce54

Tiring of legal work, he began pursuing a career in politics. Putting aside his goal of fame and glory, he promptly lost two elections, before finally getting into the California Senate in 1996. Four years later, he was elected into the U.S. House of Representatives where he served in obscurity until the election of Donald Trump as President. (His only claim to fame before that was his appointment, by Nancy Pelosi, to the House Select Committee on Benghazi where they decided, “Nevermind, there’s nothing to see here.”)

Following the election of the bad orange man, Adam embarked on his new career as a political liar extraordinaire. Despite the lack of findings by the investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, he proudly proclaimed that he alone possessed real factual evidence of Russian collusion. When questioned about this evidence, he commented, “No, you can’t see it! It’s a secret.” But of course, he kept talking about it, because he loved being on TV!

Begging his good friend Nancy Pug-uglysi to appoint him to yet another committee, he soon found himself gaining fame as the man who would be king, I mean, the man who would topple the king, I mean, the President. Soon, his big beautiful bug eyes could be seen daily leading the HUGE impeachment investigation. (Except, not that many people were watching because it was boring and General Hospital was on.)

Finally, his time had come! Live on TV, before millions, who weren’t watching their soaps, Adam read the official transcript of the President’s terrible, awful, no good telephone call with Ukraine. He giggled, thinking of all the extra lines of dialogue he had added. This is great, he thought, stretching his neck out proudly and rolling his huge bug eyes. Now, they’ll love me. Hollywood, here I come.

Gracing the cover of newspapers and magazines across the globe, Adam basked in the glory of his triumph! Soon, he would appear before the Senate and once more appear live on television. And this time, he would have hours and hours and hours in which to spread his outrageous lies. He could even go back to his favorite strategy – accuse them all of working with the Russians!

Despite the media proclaiming this the greatest speech since the Sermon on the Mount, Adam continues to be humble. Rumor has it that he will soon be earning millions modeling a new line of turtleneck sweaters. Meanwhile, recordings of his speeches can be purchased at endyourinsomnianow.com.