Welcome to the inaugural issue of America’s latest online news channel! Follow and support the Liberal Young Intellectuals News Group, the LYING Network, where just like Joe, we choose Truth over Facts! Let’s begin with some political news.
Mean, nasty, horrible President Trump bypassed Congress and used an executive order this week to ban Goodyear Tires and the NBA. Long-time basketball super fan Ben Apathetic responded by saying, “I’m sorry, were they even playing games this year?” Trump has indicated the possibility of further action to ban both the NFL and MLB. “I’m actually helping the players out by giving them more time to pursue their social justice activities.” The President also acted this week to send a pair of hurricanes to devastate our country! Being the racist that he is, he made sure that the storms intentionally avoided the homes and businesses of white people and targeted only poor and minority populations. Undocumented citizens were hit particularly hard by the wind and rain.
On the other side of the aisle, Democrats announced plans to rename their Party. Leadership is hoping to avoid the increasingly negative opinion of the party by a complete rebranding. “We’re going to start over with a whole new name and since our membership is too slow to realize nothing else has changed, we think our approval numbers will show an immediate upward trend.” The new All Liberal Political Organization, ALPO, is not concerned with possible confusion with the well-known pet food company. “The crap we feed you is better than dog food!” is being touted as the party’s new slogan.
Presidential favorite, Joe Biden has announced his plans to begin a complete remodel of the White House basement on his first day in office. “Who needs an Oval Office when you can easily and safely run the government from the basement? Besides Jill and Kamala have committed to bringing me all the snacks I need while I stay safe and out of sight.” Kamala Harris fully supports her running mate and had this to say, “Well, of course Joe is a racist and a segregationist, always has been, but since he picked me, I can’t think of a better choice for President. And hey, he can sniff my hair all he wants, if it gets me into the White House!”
In other news, the NBA has joined forces with Antifa and BLM to raise money to rebuild cities destroyed by all those peaceful protests. Players are encouraged to donate a penny for each million dollars they earn to help those less fortunate than themselves. Bazillionaire athletes and celebrities LeBron James, Colin Kaepernick, Robert DeNiro, Taylor Swift, and Alyssa Milano will host a Prime-Time Telethon later this month so that middle and lower class citizens can contribute some of their hard earned income for the cause. (You know, instead of those rich celebrities actually giving away any of their money!)
And finally, in book news, look for these new releases from the New York Times Bestseller List! From Al Sharpton, How to Get Away with NOT Paying Your Federal Income Taxes, with a foreword from Willie Nelson entitled “White Privilege and the IRS.” From Michelle Obama, a new children’s pop-up book about her husband entitled The (Former) President Who Wouldn’t Go Away, and yes, he does pop up on every page! Lastly, don’t miss Ivanka Trump’s new biography of her father called It’s Good to Be the King.
And that’s all folks! Come back next week for more all new and completely untrue news!
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